Between a Rack and a Hard Place

Thursday, August 24, 2006

A few nights ago I noticed while flipping through the on-screen cable guide that The History Channel was to air a 2-hour show, The Egyptian Book of the Dead. It was to air that night at ten o'clock. I was giddy.

I am not particularly interested in Egyptian antiquities specifically, though all aspects of history are of interest to me. In this case I hoped that by innocently tuning in and watching that Donna would happen to recognize a few of the more-than-coincidental similarities between the Book of the Dead papyrus and the published-as-Mormon-scripture, Book of Abraham Facsimiles. And while I hold no false illusion that exposure to this information would cause her to once and for all shed her Pioneer Birth Control^tm I did hope that a dose of objectivity might prep her mind for the truth of the matter at a later date.

The truth of course being that the papyrus Joseph Smith claimed had been written by Abraham, even "by his own hand, upon papyrus", was nothing more than the most common burial document in all of ancient Egypt. A document that since the time of Joseph Smith has been correctly translated and which has nothing whatsoever to do with Abraham, Christianity, Mormonism, the pre-mortal existence, or any of that other nonsense.

I settled into bed right at ten. I could hear Donna brushing her teeth in the bathroom.

"Hey, this show is starting, you wanna come watch?"

"I'll be right there", she called back.

"More that 25,000 in tact copies of the Book of the Dead have been unearthed in Egypt", began the narrator as images nearly identical to the published BOA Facsimiles flashed on the screen. "Thanks to the Rosetta Stone, we can know with accuracy exactly what the ancient Egyptians believed about the afterlife. The spells they took with them and their superstitions about what await them if unprepared." This was perfect.

Donna entered the bedroom. I deduced that her garments now lay in a pile in the closet as she approached me wearing a fabulous new piece of lingerie. She had a look on her face that told me she meant business. Monkey business.

"Shit", I said comically, "I was really looking forward to this show."

I was telling the truth but I said so thick with sarcasm. I would never lead her to believe that television was more important that gettin' our thang on. It wasn't. I knew however that this opportunity was lost. For the next little while we would be violating the counsel of Mormon prophets by practicing impure and unnatural acts. After that, she would be fast asleep.

I quickly asked myself the question I always asked when faced with a dilemma, "What would Joseph Smith do?" That made the decision clear in my mind. I switched off the TV, closed my eyes, and imagined angels with flaming phallus threatening my eternal salvation.

A healthy-but-not-rediculous amount of time later we were basking in the warmth of afterglow. Donna switched the TV back on and watched for a few minutes. There was still some time left in the program maybe she would get some exposure after all.

"BYU has a copy of the Book of the Dead in it's collection", I mused. "A really famous copy."

"Oh", Donna feigned interest. She was fading fast.

"Yeah. Joseph Smith owned it."

"Humph", was her response.

I left it at that. The next morning I pulled my copy of "By his own hand upon papyrus" out of my nightstand and left it sitting innocently next to the bed. Maybe she'll take notice, maybe she won't. I've learned not to push these things.

Hey, at least I got laid.

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