Where In The Hell Is Pete Dunn?

Friday, September 1, 2006

I got a new cell phone this week after my last one broke... err... accidentally got thrown across the parking lot and broke into a million pieces like a pinata would if it were filled with cell phone parts. The new phone has a built-in GPS.

This comes in handy if I ever wrap my finger around a pneumatic drill and need to call 911 but pass out before I can give directions. See, my cell provider's system can ask my phone where the hell it is and my phone will tell it. This is all part of the new compliance with E911.

This also comes in handy if you've ever been a lying, cheating, philanderer and have a wife who would like to keep constant tabs on your whereabouts. I happen to have been a lying, cheating, rotten, good-for-nothing, womanizer who will do anything to restore the trust I literally fucked away. My provider, Sprint, offers a service for customers with GPS-equipped phones called Family Locator.

They say it is for keeping track of your kids and making sure they get to the school safely but I'm fairly certain this was invented in a joint venture between Jude Law's and Charlie Sheen's wives. I subscribed to the service as soon as the phone was activated. I then immediately gave Donna clear instructions on how to use the locator service.

I want her to spy on me. I want her to hire a private investigator to follow me around to confirm to her that I really do just drive to work and back every day. I want her to trust me again and I am willing to put up with almost anything to have that happen.

I need her to know that I am telling the truth when I say, "My exit from Mormonism has made me more ethical and more moral." I think she feels that while it was possible for me to be immoral with Mormonism that it is impossible for me to be moral without it. In fact, in my case, this couldn't be further from the truth. I found a morality within my self I would never have discovered unless I had been through the journey I've travelled and found myself without any external direction. I found my internal compass.

I hope Donna discovers as she tracks my daily routine that my compass always manages to point me straight home to her.

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