Remember how funny it was when my daughter sent me this text message? Think how funny it will be when everyone you know is saying, "your mom is a" after everything you say too.
And, I've seen your mom. It's true. She IS a nice piece of lettuce.
Other styles available at the Nice Piece Of Lettuce Cafepress Shop
Blogger Love On Wednesday
Thursday, November 16, 2006
As the parents of four daughters (pick yourselves up, you heard me right... try to keep the karma comments to a minimum) Donna and I decided early on that we would need a less clinical term when referring to... ahem... a girl's... umm... junk. I mean, I'm fairly certain you can't even say the word "vagina" within 100 feet of an open diaper in Utah. Something to do with the Utah Clean Mouth Act or whatever.
My sister-in-law (who I would just as soon karate-chop in the throat as talk to) uses the term "Vahgeegee". I think that might actually be a character from the Book of Mormon, so we opted against that. Plus, you sound like a french interior decorator when you say it.
We instead opted for "ToTo" (Hurry boy she's waiting there for you...). I still feel like an idiot saying it but it seems better than sounding like my high school health teacher for some reason.
A friend of Donna's is less cutesy. She says, with strong emphasis on the first syllable... "GUH -(pause... wait for it...)- gyna". She says it as often as possible and, trust me, it never, never, ever fails to be funny. So funny, in fact, that I regularly substitute the "G" with other consonants to create new, vulgar and hilarious words.
Here they all are, in alphabetical order. A handy GUH-lossary of vulgar words that rhyme with vagina, along with their definitions and useful sample sentences for you to use in everyday conversation.
Buh-gyna : A bum in a sexual context.
You don't sit on your buh-gyna, you get fucked in it.
Cuh-gyna : Your cousin's vagina.
I guess Jenny had too much to drink at our aunt's wedding because all my brothers told me about her cuh-gyna. Of course, I already knew about it.
Duh-gyna : An obvious or conspicuous vagina.
I didn't know where to put my hands next, then it was obvious... her duh-gyna.
Fuh-gyna : A romantic vagina.
After the candlelit dinner we took a carriage ride through the park. It was then I proposed to her and softly stroked her fuh-gyna.
Guh-gyna : A vagina.
Huh-gyna : A vagina out of context.
So our teacher just started talking about her huh-gyna right there in class. We were all pretty confused.
Juh-gyna : Kosher vagina.
My rabbi says that juh-gyna is the only meat the Tora allows us to pork.
Kuh-gyna : The martial art dealing with protection of the vagina.
When I reached up her skirt she used her kuh-gyna moves to block my arm. Now I am an expert in "whacks on, whacks off".
Luh-gyna : A French vagina.
When I was a student in Paris I scored a lot of Luh-gyna.
Muh-gyna : One's own vagina.
I like it when he puts his mouth on muh-gyna.
Nuh-gyna : An unavailable vagina.
Sometimes when she's mad at me she doesn't let me near her nuh-gyna.
Puh-gyna : A penis.
Once, when I was drunk, I accidentally put my puh-gyna in her buh-gyna.
Quh-gyna : An inflated vagina.
After we do it doggy-style she sometimes has to fart from her Quh-gyna.
Ruh-gyna : A Canadian vagina. Also, the capital of the Canadian province of Saskatchewan. Not to be confused with Saskatoon, or animated Eskimo porn.
Suh-gyna : More than a little, but not a lot of vagina.
We dated on and off. I managed to get suh-gyna and a couple of BJ's.
Tuh-gyna : (plural) Identical vaginas.
Teri and Tonya Borden were some fine tuh-gyna.
Vuh-gyna : Antiquated medical term for the guh-gyna.
The handsome doctor used his speculum to gaze deep into her vuh-gyna.
Wuh-gyna : A Russian vagina.
Now that last westiges of communism gone, is safe for American to cruise St. Petersburg for wuh-gyna.
Xuh-gyna : A Chinese vagina.
If the child is born with a xuh-gyna, they will probably sell it to rich, sterile Americans.
Yuh-gyna : Object form of someone else's vagina.
Did you really let that loser finger yuh-gyna at the party?
Zuh-gyna : A German vagina.
Get into ze Volkswagen, take off zuh panties unt let me see zuh-gyna.
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