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Thursday, November 16, 2006

As the parents of four daughters (pick yourselves up, you heard me right... try to keep the karma comments to a minimum) Donna and I decided early on that we would need a less clinical term when referring to... ahem... a girl's... umm... junk. I mean, I'm fairly certain you can't even say the word "vagina" within 100 feet of an open diaper in Utah. Something to do with the Utah Clean Mouth Act or whatever.

My sister-in-law (who I would just as soon karate-chop in the throat as talk to) uses the term "Vahgeegee". I think that might actually be a character from the Book of Mormon, so we opted against that. Plus, you sound like a french interior decorator when you say it.

We instead opted for "ToTo" (Hurry boy she's waiting there for you...). I still feel like an idiot saying it but it seems better than sounding like my high school health teacher for some reason.

A friend of Donna's is less cutesy. She says, with strong emphasis on the first syllable... "GUH -(pause... wait for it...)- gyna". She says it as often as possible and, trust me, it never, never, ever fails to be funny. So funny, in fact, that I regularly substitute the "G" with other consonants to create new, vulgar and hilarious words.

Here they all are, in alphabetical order. A handy GUH-lossary of vulgar words that rhyme with vagina, along with their definitions and useful sample sentences for you to use in everyday conversation.

Buh-gyna : A bum in a sexual context.
You don't sit on your buh-gyna, you get fucked in it.

Cuh-gyna : Your cousin's vagina.
I guess Jenny had too much to drink at our aunt's wedding because all my brothers told me about her cuh-gyna. Of course, I already knew about it.

Duh-gyna : An obvious or conspicuous vagina.
I didn't know where to put my hands next, then it was obvious... her duh-gyna.

Fuh-gyna : A romantic vagina.
After the candlelit dinner we took a carriage ride through the park. It was then I proposed to her and softly stroked her fuh-gyna.

Guh-gyna : A vagina.

Huh-gyna : A vagina out of context.
So our teacher just started talking about her huh-gyna right there in class. We were all pretty confused.

Juh-gyna : Kosher vagina.
My rabbi says that juh-gyna is the only meat the Tora allows us to pork.

Kuh-gyna : The martial art dealing with protection of the vagina.
When I reached up her skirt she used her kuh-gyna moves to block my arm. Now I am an expert in "whacks on, whacks off".

Luh-gyna : A French vagina.
When I was a student in Paris I scored a lot of Luh-gyna.

Muh-gyna : One's own vagina.
I like it when he puts his mouth on muh-gyna.

Nuh-gyna : An unavailable vagina.
Sometimes when she's mad at me she doesn't let me near her nuh-gyna.

Puh-gyna : A penis.
Once, when I was drunk, I accidentally put my puh-gyna in her buh-gyna.

Quh-gyna : An inflated vagina.
After we do it doggy-style she sometimes has to fart from her Quh-gyna.

Ruh-gyna : A Canadian vagina. Also, the capital of the Canadian province of Saskatchewan. Not to be confused with Saskatoon, or animated Eskimo porn.
Gloria Ruh-gyna.

Suh-gyna : More than a little, but not a lot of vagina.
We dated on and off. I managed to get suh-gyna and a couple of BJ's.

Tuh-gyna : (plural) Identical vaginas.
Teri and Tonya Borden were some fine tuh-gyna.

Vuh-gyna : Antiquated medical term for the guh-gyna.
The handsome doctor used his speculum to gaze deep into her vuh-gyna.

Wuh-gyna : A Russian vagina.
Now that last westiges of communism gone, is safe for American to cruise St. Petersburg for wuh-gyna.

Xuh-gyna : A Chinese vagina.
If the child is born with a xuh-gyna, they will probably sell it to rich, sterile Americans.

Yuh-gyna : Object form of someone else's vagina.
Did you really let that loser finger yuh-gyna at the party?

Zuh-gyna : A German vagina.
Get into ze Volkswagen, take off zuh panties unt let me see zuh-gyna.

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hilarious. that must've


that must've taken a while...


Four girls?!?! God help you! Will you be trying for a boy? lol.

My parents had four girls and THEN two boys. My mom always jokes that if she would've had the two boys first, she would've stopped there!


How do you try for a boy? Please describe in detail.

Keep having babies until a

Keep having babies until a boy pops out, i guess, lol!

My parents got lucky i suppose...


Monitor her fertility cycle and wait until the last fertile days. Not guaranteed, but should boost your odds.

Early in our marriage, I was a horn dog, thus we had 2 girls. The boy came several years later after she got better at making excuses to postpone the rabbitfest.

Not exactly...

Not exactly the kind of details I was looking for :)


A special thanks to Sarah at All About My Vagina for her nice write up of this post. She seems like a heckuva ruh-gyna, eh.

This is hysterical. I came

This is hysterical. I came from a family wiht a large medical background, so that at two years old we were already using anatomically correct words for everything on our bodies. As a result, I'm always interested in finding out what words parents use to "hide reality". A lady I once worked with taught her girls to call it their "goose." It was hysterical...their one little girl had a slight speech impediment and it was too cute to hear the stories!

Comment Title...

Your comment title wins the prize for "Most Topical". I wish clever writing were all it really took.

*SNORT* great subject line.


great subject line. how appropriate.

I can't stop laughing!

"the Utah Clean Mouth Act" !!!!!!

Utah Clean Mouth Act

Also known as Sara Sue's law, you dirty potty mouth.

Funniest list, ever

This cracks me up every time I read this.

A Persian friend of mine says "Wuh-gyna," so I'm not sure your term is limited to Russian.

No pun intended, but I'll stick to puh-gynas.


For across-the-board popularity, you can't beat a good buh-gyna. Everyone ends up going there eventually.

Wuh-gyna.... way! My friend from Iran says "wuh-GINA". I thought it was just him. When I taught him the "correct" word he turned a very pass-out color of white and told me his teacher's name was Virginia and he was "ascarly" (afraid, scared) he had called her the wrong "name"!

I gave up my wuh-ginity to this site about a week ago and have not stopped laughing since.


Thankyou for making me snort my diet coke across my keyboard.


4 girls? I salute you.

But what about Julie Andrews?

Stacy read this to me a long time ago, but I just now ran across it again myself and had a rogue thought.

Have you ever considered what Julie Andrews's guh-gyna might be called?





And, after my wife's report to me on her research of beneficial sexual positions, I am torn between two meanings for Ele-gyna: (1) a guh-gyna that has been elevated for convenient access to the G-spot, or (2) an elephant's vagina. It is helpful not to let your wife become confused as to which you mean.

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

Excellent post.


i loved all the gina words.

however, are we not talking about the vulva anyway? the vagina's inside. forgive me if that were already mentioned - i only skimmed.

i enjoy reading these posts - i'm from toronto and know next to nothing about mormon culture.. .:)


That was indescribable.

I'm going to say fuh-gina all the time now.

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