How To Piss Off Your In-Laws, A Primer

Monday, November 13, 2006

I have plenty to say today but I can't think of jack shit that wouldn't just be a rehash of the same stuff I already beat you over the head with. You know, "I hate my wife's underwear... I love beer and I miss it like a lost loved one... I'm a complete fuck up but love me anyway because I make you laugh".

I figured instead I could give you an insight into how I write.

First, I pick a general topic from the 14 you see in the "Topics" menu. (Misc and Photos aren't really topics of their own) I do this to keep my posts from degrading into the mundane, "Here are some song lyrics that I heard on the radio today that really made me feel like someone understands me", or "I don't know what to write so I'll just tell you that I am having a really boring day", or "I'm too shallow to think of anything new so here's a tutorial on blog writing".

If I already have some content in mind, I will obviously pick the topic that applies. Otherwise, I may just pick one at random. For our example, let's go with "Marriage" as our topic.

Next, I begin writing whatever thoughts may come to mind on the subject. I pay no mind to spelling, grammar, humor or sentence structure. for example:

A few years ago I got really wasted at my office before walking to the Salt Lake Temple to meet my family for pictures and a lunch at the Beehive House after my sister-in-law's wedding.

Pretty rough at this point. Also, it is poorly written, not funny, and, obviously, way too short. It also isn't accessible by a very wide audience. So next, I'll add some background and expand the story a bit. For now, if I can think of something funny to say, I will, but that's not the point just yet.

As many non-Mormons with Mormon family know, a Mormon temple wedding is a members-only type affair. Those of us outside the fold are typically relegated to waiting outside the Temple for the happy couple to emerge. This waiting game can often be awkward, humiliating and embarrassing. Such was the case when my sister-in-law was married in the Salt Lake Temple a few years ago...

Now more readers can get a sense for what is going on. For a regular story, This would be a rough draft of the entire post. For this tutorial I have kept things to just one paragraph.

Next, I would humorize my story. Remember, it is one thing to tell about a funny event but it is quite another to give a funny account of an everyday happening. Simply rewording how you describe something is often better than what you are describing. So the entry above becomes:

As many non-Mormons with Mormon family know, a Mormon temple wedding is a members-only type affair. This is ironic considering that there once was a whole section of Mormon scripture devoted to the topic of marriage that explicitly instructed, "all marriages in this church of Christ of Latter Day Saints, should be solemnized in a public meeting, or feast prepared for that purpose". I'm sure they decided the whole public thing was just a misunderstanding between the prophets and God once Mormons started going to jail for marrying little girls and things like that. But I digress.

Nowadays, in these enlightened times of continuing revelation, those Gentiles among us are typically relegated to waiting outside the Temple for the happy couple to emerge.

In case there's any confusion, you can tell which is the happy couple by the fear in the bride's eyes having just married a church instead of the man she loves and the line on the groom's forehead from wearing a baker's cap for the previous three hours. If you can see her shoulders, you're in the wrong place. Ask the first person you see with a nametag which way you are supposed to go.

This waiting game can often be awkward, humiliating and embarrassing. It could not be more obvious to the chosen generation among you that you are the uncle with a pornography problem or the cousin who just can't stop touching himself despite his six months at Evergreen. This feeling of being Sammy Davis, Jr. at a KKK rally is often eased with alcohol.

Such was the case when my sister-in-law was married in the Salt Lake Temple a few years ago...

Next I will add applicable or humorous references to outside sources. For instance, a link to a broader article on the quote from the section-formerly-known-as-scripture, a picture of a KKK rally, or a picture of a couple who so much looks like the stereotype you described that it could not possibly be refuted.

Now go back and re-read everything, check for spelling and grammar, read it again, check for spelling and grammar again and you're ready to go. All that's left now is to visit every ex-Mormon bulletin board and blog you can think of and shamelessly self-promote.

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