Has Anything Really Changed?

Friday, March 16, 2007

More from the "I can't believe I'm letting you read this" file...

April 5, 1990 - 11:36 PM

Drawn in pen. I must have really meant it.

That's Lisa Mangum dropping my ass out of an airplane!

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Let it be known that I NEVER said a bad or negative thing about that woman! I think tomorrow I'm going to go see Tiffany. Things never ended between us. We both moved and didn't stay in touch. Lisa told me I don't say good things about people. Correction... She said I always have something negative to say about people. Maybe that's true. I'm trying to do better. I want her to know that I'd do anything that she remotely suggested and always will. I care for her very much. I'm not bitter. I'm angry at myself for not seeing how she felt sooner. Lisa should know that no matter what happens, she can come to me and still have a best friend. Justin and I talked today. We always do. He's such a stud. We both hate women. Anyway back to my obsession.

About 2 weeks ago I was at Lisa's house until about 5:30 AM. We ended up kissing long and hard and good. I was feeling intensely cool and had the awesomest feeling. It was different than just a typical "high school love" It was beyond that. Something real was happening and it had to be more than one sided, it just HAD to be! But she ignored it. HOW? How? I don't get it. Anyway Tuesday she told me, basically, to stop loving her. Well, I can't just stop loving her. I still do very much too. I miss being able to be her friend. I can't be around her and not love her. I can't even think about her and not love her. I miss Lisa so much. It hurts to know that she never loved me. It hurts a lot. Don't get me wrong. We were very close. A friendship like that is rare. Espescially (or something like that) between a man and a woman. And because it's so rare, I mistook it for something it wasn't. Ahhhhh! I love you so much Lisa!!!!! There's still so much I NEED to tell you. I'm so far beyond the emotions of a 16 year old. What I feel for Lisa is not childish. It is VERY adult.

What is childish, (Sorry Lisa), is Lisa ignoring what she MUST have felt. The reason that's childish is that she felt the emotions beyond that of a teenager and failed to accknowledge them. Thats sad. She too is above acting like a teenager. We are of the few who are ready to push past the limits of a blind society. Unfortunately, that society is not yet ready. One day she won't be afraid to feel what she really feels.

I love you Lisa

-Pete Dunn

Teen angst, much?

My favorite part of that entry is how, like the well-trained Mormon I was, I presumed that since Lisa didn't feel exactly as I did that she was simply denying her true feelings. it couldn't possibly have been that she didn't actually feel the same way. Satan was clearly deceiving her.

My use of paragraph breaks, underlines, elipses, exclamation points. and use of the term "blind society" demonstrate just how grown up I was. What is most telling to me is how I could have posted this as a new blog entry today and no one would have known the difference.

Just think, a little more than 3 years after this I was married.

Another observation... Sometime between 1988 and 1990 I started writing, as I do now, in only uppercase letters.

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