God, I Hope I (Don't) Get It

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Not a word from the theater today. They never write. They never call... Perhaps they don't need me after all. It's just as well though. I'm not completely sure I really want to jump back into the game like this anyway.

Though I've filled-in on literally two hours notice for shows I've never seen, this time I'm a little scared. As I think about it I am coming to the realization that being on stage generally, and bailing out for diva actors who leave in a huff specifically, has always scared me. I just never noticed before because I was always going to great lengths to numb my fear with some medication or another. Usually by getting my hands up a skirt. Or drinking heavily. Or both.

Now, left alone with what is probably a totally understandable level of anxiety about a pretty stressful situation and basically no medication, I'm scared. It makes me wonder if I can still perform with abandon and confidence as I once did or If I'll freeze up and wet myself.

Good medicine would probably be to man up, get my ass on stage sans medication and learn that I have that confidence in myself somewhere. I would be the better person for it. Doing that however runs the risk that I would just default back to the easy and familiar track of acting out to mask my anxiety.

My instinct is to say, "thanks, but no thanks" to this particular opportunity. The thing is though, I feel some kind of obligation to say yes. Maybe not an obligation... an expectation. I feel that this is just the sort of thing everybody anticipates I would do if asked and that if I don't, I'm somehow not living up to my defined identity or something.

I really do want to make performing on stage a part of my life again at some point. I just want it to be a more normal situation. One where I see a show I'm interested in, I audition, a role is offered and we rehearse and perform the show. This whole deal where I sit around and wait, wondering if I need to start scrambling to learn the lyrics, music, lines and blocking so I can come in and never meet expectations is all a but much.

I just feel that, at this point, I can't say no. I guess that's why I'm glad they haven't called.

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