Dear Donna

Sunday, May 20, 2007

My dearest wife, best friend and lover,

Almost a year ago I began writing privately on this blog. I wrote, and have written almost every day since, honest and revealing details about our lives, my feelings and my experiences. Some of the things I write are painful and angry. Others are light and humorous. An examination of my writing here will reveal a cross-section of the highs and lows of our lives as well as some experiences from my youth.

In order to protect you, our family and our privacy, I invented an online persona, an alter-ego. Pete Dunn is my online voice. Through Pete I have found expression and creativity. Pete has taught me about myself and our relationship.

I never wanted or intended for this writing to be a secret from you. You and I have had enough secrets. I always figured it was more like an anonymous and private diary, safely tucked away in a bedside table. I never intended to hide this site from you and I figured you would find out one way or another. You've told me you never want to feel stupid for being the last to know again and that's why I want to be the one to show this to you. I would have been heartbroken if you had come across this on your own, or worse to have someone else discover it and embarrass you with it, only to have you feel betrayed and vulnerable.

While nothing I've written here will come as a surprise or great revelation to you, it is very, very frank and honest. Nothing here is a big secret. My biggest secret these days is that I sometimes listen to rap music on my iPod while we mow and trim the lawn.

But I know that you are a more private and less revealing person than I am. I know you may feel vulnerable and hurt by seeing the vivid and intimate details of our private lives written out for the world to read. I understand that you may be embarrassed or angry at me.

All my expressions of feeling here are honest and real but, and I think you already know this, they are not my only feelings. Since I started writing here, our lives have become magical. We have become closer and more in love than ever. I credit this, in part, to my ability to express myself more honestly. Part of that ability has come directly from my work on this blog. In writing what I feel in the moment, I am given the opportunity to re-read and examine my feelings. In many cases I've also received positive support and constructive advice that has continued to push me forward in my efforts to be a better and more loving husband.

Since the time I started writing a modest audience has come to hear my story. Some people find my story and writing interesting. At the very least, they have found someone with whom they can relate. I like to think that if and when you read what I have written you will find it entertaining, sad, funny and likable. But there's something lacking. You. Your voice. Your side of the story. Your experiences and insight.

I think people would find your voice and your story even more compelling. I am not complete without you and I don't think it's fair to keep telling our story without you. Whether its hauling dirt in the garden, making dinner for the kids or entertaining friends, you and I are better as a team. I don't want to keep doing this without you or your voice any longer.

I dream that you and I can each tell our story both together and separately. You from your perspective, me from mine. Your wit, intellect and insight would be warm and refreshing. Also, you and I have a very unique relationship and have an interesting and unique perspective on a number of issues. As a team I know we could do this better than I ever could alone. For your voice to be heard, I invite you to tell your story as well. By my side, I hope that we can tell our story better together than I ever could alone.

Part of me thinks I may be making a bigger deal of this than needs to be made. Lately, especially, you've been very understanding of me. You've been a giant in allowing me to be myself. Probably, if I had been forthcoming about this in the first place, you would have sloughed it off as no big deal. Part of me tells me that you may have already been aware of, at least the existence of, this site even if you've never visited it before today. The other part of me tells me you'll probably be very angry for keeping it from you. I don't blame you at all. It wasn't fair of me and for that I am very sorry.

You have always stood by me, even when people around you were telling you to give up on me. You have been hurt more than you ever deserved. You have given me better than I have deserved with your ability to love and express love that I admire and try to emulate. I love you so much for being by my side when I've needed you most.

I love you and will always love you,
Your husband

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