Felt Up

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

My mother has an aunt who looks like Doris Day. I hardly ever see her except at weddings, funerals and Bear Lake once or twice a year. She's old now but since she buys hydrogen peroxide by the tanker-load, she still looks just like Doris Day. I like her almost as much for that reason as anything else.

I was delighted when Aunt Doris and her husband, Uncle Spence meandered over from their cabin two-doors down to chit-chat. They've always been two of my favorite people. They always have nice things to say and seem genuinely interested in how I'm doing and what's new in my life.

I took a break from the great and important storm door project to have a drink of water and catch up with them. I heard all about their grandkids. We talked about how far out the lake still seems to be and longed for the old days when we could step right out the back door and right on to the beach.

As we talked, Aunt Doris nodded and, like the great conversationalist she is, maintained constant eye contact. Then, as she began to tell me about her latest church calling, something peculiar happened. Her eyes dropped to the neckline of my shirt. Just briefly but it was distinctly out-of-place. Then she did it again.

What was she looking at? Did I have a booger on my shirt?

Then, before I could check, she re-fixed her gaze square in my eyes, reached her hand up and, without a hesitation in what she was saying, put her hand on my shoulder and rubbed back and forth several times. Her hand was right between the neck of my t-shirt and my collarbone.

The almost imperceptibly tiny moment of disappointment in her eyes clued me in to what she was doing. Doris was checking if I was wearing Mormon temple garments. Obviously, I wasn't.

This is the second time this has happened to me since I stopped wearing the mandated underpants. The first time was at the grocery store in my mother's old neighborhood when I bumped into a former Stake President.

I haven't gone out of my way to hide my apostasy from my extended family or former ward-members but I haven't exactly made a formal announcement or taken out an ad in the family newsletter. Mostly because my religious beliefs, much like my underwear, aren't really any of their business. But because I haven't said anything, I have left everyone under the assumption that I am still and active, believing Mormon when really, I'm not any of those things.

I didn't say anything to her, nor her to me, but that moment had clearly left her feeling awkward about talking to me more about her latest church assignment. We were suddenly left standing there without the common ground we had shared for so many years. I've learned how to deal with this over the years by recognizing that there are so many things beyond Mormonism that I have in common with people I've known for years. Not having the almost-daily experience with that I have, she politely, but quickly wrapped up the conversation.

Had this been a stranger or just some random acquaintance, I would have diffused the situation with a joke or a deliberately-forward inquiry about her underwear in order to point out the boundary she had just crossed. In this case, since I see her so rarely and I didn't want to make things more uncomfortable than they already were, I felt it was better to just leave it alone.

I'm sure my grandmother will get a call about it. When she does, I hope she tells Doris not to worry, Pete's doing just fine.

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Filed under: Family | Mormonism

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