Speaking To You Somewhat At Length

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Yesterday I pulled into my neighborhood Chevron so I could let them empty my wallet into my gas tank. As I stood there, watching the total climb past forty dollars, waiting for the attendant to strangle me with the hose from his pressure-washer and put me out of my misery, I looked around at the other people washing their windows and filling their tanks.

There was tall, skinny girl in her over-sized pickup. More than likely it belonged to her under-sized boyfriend. There was middle-aged real estate agent lady in her Chrysler LeBaron. I figure she got it right after she changed her name from Kitty to Karen. Which got me thinking, "Why are so many Cake songs about cars or driving?" Perhaps it's a fetish.

Then there was black girl in the Subaru Outback. She was pretty enough but not stunning. Nevertheless she stood out among the other customers. That's because she must have been one of the seven black people who live in Utah who aren't here on a sports scholarship. Sorry, I was channeling my father-in-law for a second there.

Once, while we were hiking the paved path to Timpanogas Cave, my father-in-law and I walked past a tall black man in his twenties coming down the hill. "I wonder what team that boy plays for", he said to me as soon as we were out of earshot. Yes, he actually said "boy".

Or perhaps there's a little of my grandmother in me. My sweet, loving, naive grandmother who still calls brazil nuts "nigger toes". My hand to God, this is what she claims they called them in her father's grocery store in Brigham City.

But I digress. Enough about my racist upbringing.

I noticed something even more out of place about this particular black woman. As she leaned over the front seat of her car to retrieve her wallet from her purse, I noticed the familiar site of temple garments, tops tucked into the bottoms.

I was struck-dumb. I wondered, in that moment, what she would say her personal feelings are about Brigham Young. Would she claim to revere him as a great prophet? If so, is she aware of the horrific things he frequently had to say about "the seed of Cain?"

A few years ago, Warren Jeffs, cult-leader, came under a considerable amount of heat in the Utah press because of some vile and racist remarks a member of his group secretly recorded him saying.

“You see some classes of the human family that are black, uncouth, or rude and filthy, uncomely, disagreeable, and low in their habits, wild," Jeffs was heard saying. "When you enjoy the beat, the rock music, maybe even toned down with an orchestra, you’re enjoying the spirit of the black race."

Clearly not the words of an enlightened and true prophet of God. These things, modern Mormons will tell you, are further proof that Jeffs leads a group of fallen and misguided zealots. Surely their prophets would never preach such horrible and ignorant drivel. Or would they.

As it turns out, Jeffs was not even using his own words. The words he spoke were those of Brigham Young himself.

You see some classes of the human family that are black, uncouth, uncomely, disagreeable and low in their habits, wild, and seemingly deprived of nearly all the blessings of the intelligence that is generally bestowed upon mankind....Cain slew his brother. Cain might have been killed, and that would have put a termination to that line of human beings. This was not to be, and the Lord put a mark upon him, which is the flat nose and black skin. Trace mankind down to after the flood, and then another curse is pronounced upon the same race - that they should be the 'servant of servants;' and they will be, until that curse is removed; and the Abolitionists cannot help it, nor in the least alter that decree. How long is that race to endure the dreadful curse that is upon them? That curse will remain upon them, and they can never hold the Priesthood or share in it until all the other descendants of Adam have received the promises and enjoyed the blessings of the Priesthood and the keys thereof. Until the last ones of the residue of Adam's children are brought up to that favourable position, the children of Cain cannot receive the first ordinances of the Priesthood. They were the first that were cursed, and they will be the last from whom the curse will be removed. When the residue of the family of Adam come up and receive their blessings, then the curse will be removed from the seed of Cain, and they will receive the blessings in like proportion.

Apparently this was published before CERN invented <p> tags.

Now, before you all go accusing me of misquoting Brother Brigham or using his words out of context or blatantly lying, read it for yourselves... here's the next page.

This was over the pulpit, in his official capacity that this was said, so don't send me a bunch of email about how he was "speaking as a man." That my point, remember?

Ancient Mormon history, you say? Well, as long as the modern LDS church continues to revere Brigham Young's teachings by parading tourists through his homes, preaching his words over the pulpit and in Sunday meetings, and... oh... naming their flagship university after him, they cannot simply dismiss what he preached to absolute, infallible doctrine.

But I'm guessing this woman, standing there, looking for her credit cards, probably wasn't taught all that in her temple prep class. These days, as long as your tithing check clears and you don't ask too many questions, anyone can get a temple recommend.

But still, I can't help but think what Brigham Young would have thought to see a black woman wearing temple garments right here in Salt Lake City, let alone a temple in Africa. He'd probably roll right out of his grave and down N street to South Temple, weeping, wailing and gnashing his teeth.

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