Vacation All I Ever Wanted

Thursday, May 10, 2007

The vacation I've been yearning for is now in my future.

My tree-hugging, river-running Uncle Roger has been guiding tours on the Colorado River for years. Roger's such a pro that last summer he guided Laura Bush, the twins, a few of Laura's friends and a dozen or so Secret Service and Navy Seal types through the Grand Canyon. He even managed to snap a really amazing picture of Jenna Bush climbing off a boat in a bikini that would just about make you want to lobby for the removal of presidential term-limits, if you know what I mean.

Roger called this week wondering if I wanted to help out as a "swamper" on an 8-day float in July. Without hesitation I agreed. I could figure out how to arrange the time off and explain it to Donna later.

A swamper is basically the boatman's bitch. He ties up the boats, sets up camp, cleans up after meals and empties the "groover". Good times. The upside is, the swamper (err... me, in case you haven't been paying attention) also gets the benefit of an expenses-paid trip from Lee's Ferry to Lake Mead. Plus tips, I hear.

It'll be just the basics for me. A sleeping bag, a couple changes of clothes, clean socks and underwear, plenty of sunscreen, sunglasses and a hat. I'll be taking very little with me in terms of gadgets or luxury items because, well, there's not exactly a high-speed internet connection where I'm going. Also, not many gadgets do that well going from one-hundred-ten degree air to fifty degree water at twenty-five miles an hour. Besides, if my office thinks I'll be in touch, they can fuck themselves.

There are two items that are also necessities but that come with some small obstacles. Homemade beer and my Gen2 iPod Shuffle. Because, seriously, if it crossed your mind that I could go more than a week without beer and tunes then you just might need a vacation even more than I do.

The beer is a bit of an issue because of the amount Roger has told me I should bring. You see, the more beer you serve the paying customers, the better time they have... the better time they have, the better they tip. But bringing a large amount of beer in glass bottles is out of the question. For one, glass breaks. Secondly, twelve-ounce bottles take a lot of space. That means I'll be bottling a couple of batches to 2-litre plastic soda bottles. Totally ghetto, I know.

The iPod problem is really a power struggle. That is, how do I keep the battery charged? I'm thinking of finding some kind of a small, flexible solar panel solution. I'll be sure to let you know what I come up with but if anyone has any ideas send them my way.

Those minor quirks aside, it will be a fabulous opportunity for me to grow my beard out in preparation for the show I'll start rehearsing a couple days after I get back.

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