Like Manna On My Windshield

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Just when I thought I might run out of things to blog about, Jesus came along and put a stack of blog-fodder under my windshield wiper.

Not one, not two, but three World Newsletters from Tony Alamo Christian Ministries. Jubilee!

There is, truly, some very choice stuff in here. Where to begin? I'll try to hit the highlights.

To start, the jewel-encrusted cross is a nice touch. Nothing says Jesus wants your money more than a crucifix adorned by Jostens.

How about the awesome headshot on the front page of Volume 06000?

-photo 1986. 1986? Seriously? 1986? As in, Reagan was President. That 1986? Is it not uncanny how much the good Pastor looks exactly like The Rev. Jim Jones? Something about the sunglasses and the open collar must be very appealing to old ladies with loose wallets, I guess.

This photo and the fact that it's twenty years old makes me think this dude might actually be on a ventilator in a bunker in New Mexico. Dead in his tomb while his followers continue to use his name and his image to promote their own brand of lunacy, resurrecting him every weeknight on shortwave radio.

Or how about this picture of Alamo with Willie Nelson?

Seriously, Willie Nelson? You couldn't get a nice candid snapshot with OJ Simpson or Marion Barry? Does Willie Nelson add actual credibility to your ministry? Nevermind the fact that Nelson is actually probably telling Tony to keep his hands the fuck off away from his guitar or something.

Let's get to the real meat here though... the articles. The snarky shit in parentheses is me, in case it wasn't obvious.

Any time now, (as they've been saying for 2,000 years) a worldquake and a series of prophesied catastrophes will shockingly awaken the entire global population to a horrible, God-sent, unparalleled nightmare. (Nightmares... from God? Will he send me unparalleled Ambien too?)

Shortly after this event, two more disasters (how many?) in the form of two large meteorites (Oh... two.) will follow, causing more destruction than many hydrogen bombs. (Whoa. Brace yourselves.) One will smash into the ocean (a GPS waypoint would be helpful here), destroying a third of it, including the life therein. It will actually turn the water to blood (-faints-) and, of course, (of course) destroy all life and every ship within its realm. (I think that goes without saying.)

You know, you really have to admire his specificity. No one can say we weren't warned when the worldquake shockingly awakens us. Whatever the fuck that means.

It goes on like this for much longer than I had patience to retype. Besides, my tears of laughter threatened to cause more destruction than several hydrogen bombs on my keyboard. But trust me, it's all pretty much a lot of Art Bell kind of shit.

It seems weird even in the world of evangelical Christianity when he pulls out this little gem...

Then, to the woe and dismay of everyone in the world, (Erm... well, unless they read your newsletter, right?) Jesus, who is commonly and falsely today knows as "sweet Jesus," (didn't he play for the Globetrotters in the 70's?) will abruptly, without notice, turn the world upside down in a moment and literally tear it to pieces. (Oh my GOD! What will happen to the PEOPLE?) Again, one-third of this world's population will be annihilated, (Really? Only a third? Sounds like Jesus will have to try harder than turning the planet upside-down the get the rest of us resilient bastards.) then millions upon millions more will be killed in the most dreadful ways, (More dreadful than tearing the planet to pieces after a massive worldquake and no fewer than two meteors? Like what?) ways that could never be imagined or dreamed of by the human mind. (Oh. guess I'll just have to wait and see for myself.)

I can't help but wonder... where does this nut come up with these crazy ideas? Oh wait, let me check the footnotes... Oooooh. The Bible, right. I should have known.

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