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Who Are You And What Have You Done With My Wife?
Monday, September 24, 2007
Last week, after I got back from New York, I was flooded with a rush of emotions. Some of which had everything to do with my trip and my personal regret about not having followed my dream to be the cliche struggling actor, scraping by in the city. Others had been festering for a while and just came along for the ride once the gates were opened. Still others were nothing new and are the same old things that always get thrown into the mix.
It's no secret that Donna and have more than our share of painful history together. It's also not news to any regular reader of this site that, while each of us has done a lot of work and come a long, long way, it's very likely that there will never be a time when we are free from the burden and hurt of those common experiences. There are some issues that no amount of therapy will help us overcome.
The long and the short of it is that while Donna is a terrific person for whom I have a great deal of love I most often feel like we each spend a lot of time disappointing each other. And while that's certainly not unique to our marriage, the combination of those incompatibilities and our rocky history might make it hard for either of us to get close enough to each other for either of us to ever be as happy as we might be apart. Does that make sense?
Towards the end of last week, as the culmination of these factors made me an intolerable ass to be around, I let on that I was having these thoughts and feelings. And while Donna admits to sometimes feeling the same things, she was understandably devastated and hurt to hear it out loud. The result of that discussion was what I can only describe as a renewed effort on her part to be more expressive.
Since last week she has become open to the idea that living and working in New York might be something of an adventure. And while a move to the big city isn't extremely likely possibility, she is clearly acting outside of her normal bubble.
Donna's also making an effort to participate more in my reality. She spent most of Friday evening backstage cavorting with the cast. She even brought beer. Which she stood in line in a public grocery store to buy. You may also have noticed her increased participation on here as well as on Twitter. I think she's had a sense that this internet world is a big scary place full of Democrats, academics, hippies and other inherently evil people.
Let's all prove her wrong, OK? I mean, yes, you're all a bunch of liberal, free-thinking hippies but you're all super nice, right?
There's also been some other surprisingly unsettling changes in her behavior. She has decided to become much more sexually expressive. All weekend between pestering me for physical attention, she made some minor changes to her underwear routine and converted the shag rugs to hardwood floors. Oh and suddenly and without warning I'll find her doing things to herself and me that would make Spencer Kimball blush.
I say this is all unsettling because it is a complete change in direction. I have been put off-center by it to the point that I don't know quite how to react. Of course I like what's happening and I want to be positive and supportive. On the other hand, I don't completely trust her sincerity and I am taken off-guard by it.
She told me this morning that she's really making an effort to find out who and what she wants to be. I, for one, can certainly understand how difficult and exciting that can be.
Here's wishing her luck on her journey.
Permanent Link: Who Are You And What Have You Done With My Wife?
Filed under: Donna | I Heart NYC | Marriage | Sex
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delicious | digg | fark | reddit | google | yahoo | Stumble | Talkr | 2624 readsYou go Donna!
Submitted by lostinutah (not verified) on September 24, 2007 - 7:05pm.
Donna, you make yourself happy (and yes, being a good wife and mom to me is part of what makes me happy, but there's more to it than that) and you will make your kids and Pete happy. It's really hard to step outside the bubble (even if, like me, it's a hardened cynical Christian Democrat shell...do all of those things really coexist? Sheesh).
Good luck on your journey, and Pete, you be SUPPORTIVE, YOU HEAR ME?
Woohoo :)
Submitted by Shelia (not verified) on September 24, 2007 - 10:08pm.
I'm with ya girl. I'm a born and raised mormon, and although I didn't do the temple/endowments thing, I know the hurt and pain involved in a struggling marriage.
I also think, mormon or not, we women put ourselves last on our list. I can tell from Pete's post, and yours, that you are giving yourself more time for YOU. In turn, your kids and honey will be better for it... but especially YOU. Still, our upbringing tell us to shirk ourselves and do for others first, but we all wonder why the hell we are so depressed and hating life!
So.. suggestion? Brazilian. Do it! I swear.. it's worth it. He'd love it. Leave a little landing strip in front because that's the worst part. Even better.. leave it in the shape of a heart :)
And about Kimball blushing? Nah.. he'd be proud that you're contributing to the survival of your marriage, even if it is in the horniest way possible!
Last to say.. I'm jealous. Mine isn't interested and I live vicariously through your dysfunctional function. So, enjoy the ride of figuring out who Donna is... I bet you'll love her!
Wishing you luck and love
Submitted by Becca (not verified) on September 25, 2007 - 11:16am.
Finding someone you love is the most important thng in this life. Life is hard (as the Budda said) and you need help getting through it. it's nice to have a spiritual connection with a loving God but sometimes you just need to have a flesh and blood real life partner you can hug and cry on and cuddle with when the hurricanes hit outside the house.
Of course, some of those hurricanes are inside the house too, and there's where the really tough part comes in. Hang in there, you two. If you really want it to work, open your hearts and trust each other and be willing to be flexible.
Way to go Donna for being willing to expand your horizons, way to go Pete for being honest with her and not just up and leaving. And way to go both of you for loving so hard.
New hero
Submitted by Wrench (not verified) on September 25, 2007 - 8:46pm.
Donna is my new hero. You bought BEER? Wow, talk about going outside your comfort zone to prove your commitment. I'm in awe. My husband is lucky if I set foot in a Circuit City to help him pick out a shiny new thumb drive.
Seriously though, go you. I'm truly impressed and inspired. I love to hear that you guys are making progress, no matter how slow it may seem - two steps forward and one step back still reaches the final destination.
Impressed!
Submitted by FFG (not verified) on September 26, 2007 - 6:12am.
Buying beer was a huge step, especially living in Utah. I'm impressed!
I think most women go through stages when they are not so physically expressive. Problems & hurt really cause us to lose that drive. Plus, there is so much going on in our lives that distracts us from intimacy. When it is pointed out and we realize how we truly feel, we can often let go & have a little fun to the surprise of our husbands! It is just one of the ways we keep them guessing... :)
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1 Comment
{3 years 48 weeks ago}
Hello Everyone
WHY NOT!
I have read many comments on this site of how I can improve my relationship with Pete and I appreciate most and some I think what the HELL are you talking about.
I decided what was holding me back was just being scared of being hurt again, being embarressed, but what I was doing was hurting myself. Pete really did devastated me last week. How dare he make me feel so alone and unloved. At first it made me feel that he was ungrateful. I have spent 15 years of my life with this man and forgiving him time and time again (My math is not creative). Was I keeping him with me so I could punish him over and over again or do I really want this to work? I decided to take it upon myself with a renewed effort. To get out of this stupid box that I put myself in. I hate it. Because not only does it reflect in my relationship with Pete. I have found that my children's relationship with me suffers. I am not a physical warming person. For heavens sake, WHY NOT!
I am not going to be perfect in this effort and I KNOW Pete will not always like my decisions, but I hope that He will give me the same respect that I am working on for him.