Because I Obviously Take These Things Very Seriously

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Do you remember when I used to actually write about actual things instead of always writing about why I don't have any time or energy or whatever to write? Yeah, me too. OK, Pete, get on with it. Here's an actual post.

I was not surprised to hear that Gordon B. Hinckley, the leader of my former faith, had died. Especially given how matter-of-factly Donna told me, as though she were announcing the arrival of the mail. Also especially because he was a mere ninety-seven years old. At last check that's almost as old as John McCain.

There was a time when I would have been moved, emotionally by Hinckley's passing. A long while ago, that emotional cocktail would have been equal parts sadness, loss and introspection on my own mortality. A little less of a while ago, I may have been somewhere on the other side of the emotional gamut. I may have even been happy to hear the news. Though I'm not exactly sure why and that happiness would have been rude and misplaced.

But now, given some distance from my own Mormonism, the only sense of loss I felt was in a moment when I realized that I would have to put to rest the crown jewel in my vocal impersonation repertoire. Seriously. My actual, honest-to-the-polygamous-God-of-my-forefathers first thought was about how much work it would be to learn Thomas Monson's voice. And in an election year, no less.

You see, my next best voice is George W. Bush. And now, in one year, after so many years of perfecting both voices, I will now have to replace them both. I feel just like Larry Miller and Jerry Sloan must have that year that John Stockton retired and Karl Malone played for the Lakers.

Both Bush and Hinckley have (and had, respectively) particularly distinctive voices. Both, when done well and for the right audience, are instantly recognizable. It will be hard to get the kind of mileage I've gotten out of both voices from the next guys.

But I have a solution to my problem. Mitt Romney for President of The United States AND President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It's a perfect solution for both of us, really. He gets to both tell the Mormons what to do AND have them tell him what to do. And me... well I get the most impersonatable candidate with loads of material to work with. Plus, he's not likely to die any time soon.

So whether you're voting on Super Tuesday or a member of the Quorum of the Twelve, do me a favor. Vote Mitt.

login or register to post comments | delicious | digg | fark | reddit | google | yahoo | Stumble | Talkr | 1854 reads