Now The Parade Of Boys Begins

Thursday, February 7, 2008

It started like this, "Dad, can I go to the movies with Tyson?"

"You mean with Tyson and his parents?"

"Well..."

"You mean with Tyson and his parents?"

"Dad!"

"You mean with Tyson and his parents."

Megan pulled the cell phone from her pocket and, without dialing, said, "Umm... your parents have to go with us."

Ah, so Tyson was behind this. And he was on the phone. Loudly, I finished Megan's thought, "AND NOT JUST TO DROP YOU OFF."

At this point I clearly recognized the direction of Tyson's scheme. I had been there myself not so many years ago. OK, it was a lifetime ago but I knew what the little snot was thinking. He's thirteen. He was thinking, "I can haz brastrap?" And he would work every angle to make it work out so he ended up alone in a darkened room with his pimply butt as close to Megan's as possible.

"How about if we meet a bunch of other kids there?" This was clearly the boy's idea.

"AND HIS PARENTS?" I had my caps lock on so he could hear me. I was a step ahead of him and I wanted him to know it because Megan didn't see where he was going with this. Or worse... she knew exactly where he was going with this.

"My dad says your parents have to go with us... uh huh... ok... good idea. I'll ask."

I knew what she was about to ask because I spent a lot of time in my teenage years working a situation to be alone with girls I liked. And I was good at it. Tyson would not get the chance to be good at it this time.

She parroted verbatim his grand idea, "what if Tyson and some other kids came over here to watch a movie?"

Just as I expected. This is a classic misdirection technique. A mom might have fallen for this and then not known how to handle it. In fact, if you are reading this right now thinking, "sounds like a good compromise" then just come to terms now with your daughter becoming the neighborhood spin-the-bottle champion.

See, the plan works like this. You take advantage of the fact that the girl's parents think their own home is a safe environment no matter what. This is the easiest way to get the parents to stop paying attention to what you are doing. They get distracted by their regular around-the-house routine and, if you are quiet enough, almost forget that you are there... in the dark... with their daughter.

If you don't believe me, remind me to tell you about any of the dozens of times Donna and I had sex in her parents basement while they watched a movie in their bedroom just up the stairs. When you take a girl out somewhere else and try and get in her pants, her parents ask her all kinds of questions. Since young girls aren't good at lying yet, the parents always find out. But they never think to ask what anyone was up to in their own house.

But knowing this put me at the advantage. I would not be tricked by his slight of hand. I would let him come to my house then I would watch him. By watching him, he would know that I knew. Then I will mock his squeaky voice and verbally question his masculinity right to his face. This would let him know that I was cool but clearly much superior to him. He would know that I had invented the game he was playing and that he would never trick me.

And if none of that works... I can always just punching him in the face and throw him in the snow in his baggy jeans and hoodie.

"Yeah, go ahead and invite a few friends over for a movie. Sounds like a good idea."

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Permanent Link: Now The Parade Of Boys Begins
Filed under: Family | Love | Sex

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