Zoloft: Day 1

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

The past few weeks have found me struggling, and mostly failing, to stay out from under a fairly heavy malaise. Simply functioning has been painful at times. At work, I've been hard-pressed to perform at the level for which I'm generously compensated. At home, I'm not even coasting. At night, I drag myself through the motions but fail to follow through.

Falling short in my personal and professional performance leads to feelings of failure and shame. The failure and shame inevitably leads to more feelings of remorse and defeat. And thus the cycle turns. What it doesn't bring are those manic, desperate artistic outbreaks like you see in movies.

So I finally got my sorry ass back into my therapist and took his advice to get myself some crazy pills. And by took his advice I mean that I told him I was doing it and that I needed some advice on staying conscious during a trip to my physician's office. He told me to stop being such a pussy and make the appointment.

So I did. I risked the threat of public unconsciousness and did nothing more than sit there and sweat and shake and effortlessly convinced my doctor that I needed something to alter my serotonin uptake thingies. Very brave of me, I know.

Seriously though. The doctor was very understanding and probably waited until my check cleared before sharing a laugh with the girls in the office about the full-grown man who can't get his blood pressure checked without very-nearly blacking out. And he gave me Zoloft. And Xanax.

Xanax is a palindrome. I know this because I'm not wired right.

What? How did the first day go, you ask?

Well, I spent today quivering like a bundt-pan-shaped jello ring. So, really, about the same as every day. Not surprising as Zoloft takes some time to take the desired effect. That's sad but the good news about The Big Z is that the side-effects are available immediately.

The first twelve hours were fine. Mostly because I spent most of that time asleep. By lunchtime today and right up to this very second however, I've pretty much wanted to throw up nearly constantly. And in the middle of the afternoon I got simultaneously lethargic and totally disconnected. Oh, and did I mention? This is on half a dose? After just one day?

I'm saving the Xanax for a special occasion. Like maybe tax day.

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