There's a new fast food place opening near our house. It's nothing special, just a chain burger place. But something about this place has caught the girls' fancy. They are transfixed and completely caught up in the excitement of a big-time fast food opening.

This is more than a little strange. A few years ago, we took a day-after-Christmas road trip to visit my brother in Seattle. On New Year's Day we watched the Morgan Spurlock documentary "Super Size Me". The girls swore off fast food forever.

You have no idea how much fast food you really eat until you have a fourteen hour drive where your children make vomit noises every time they hear you planning a quick stop at the golden arches. Very convincing dry-heave noises.

I think my mother may have poisoned me. This is only unusual because normally it's my mother-in-law who tries to kill me with Sunday dinner.

Yesterday, in preparation for my younger brother's visit, mom cooked up his favorite meal. Pot roast with mashed-potatoes and gravy. A crowd favorite to be sure. Oh, and pie for dessert.

I'm not sure of the exact kind of pie she made but I think it was lie-as-still-as-you-can-all-night-to-keep-from-vomiting-while-feeling-both-hot-and-cold-at-the-same-time-berry.

Eleven year-old Cindy makes one hell of a sandwich. It's her own personal concoction. Wheat bread, turkey, pickles, an ample helping of cheese, mustard, sliced pepperoncini peppers, some more mustard, a little more cheese, then some more mustard. Oh, and a tomato slice... and some mustard.

It's a pretty damn tasty sandwich.

Last night, knowing I would be leaving a little early for work today, I asked her if she would make one of her special sandwiches for me to pack in my lunch. She bounded off like a monkey on a spring. Not too long later, she was back.

Should it be of any concern at all to me that the LDS church actually makes their own fruit drink? My mother just had a box-load delivered to our house. Do you think it'll be enough?

If there's potassium cyanide, it isn't listed.

Deseret Brand Kool-Aid. Drink it up everybody.

The last time I was inside a Mormon church was to submit my resignation of membership to the local Bishop a year and a half ago. Well, I guess that was the penultimate time. The actual most recent time was just a couple days ago.

Beth's pre-school graduation had been planned to be held at a nearby park. The threat of rain which never came put a damper on those plans. The always-thinking-on-her-feet teacher, Miss Caroline, quickly arranged for the event to be held at her ward house. She even managed to displace a blood drive. Not a problem though, since in this town there's always another church no farther than a block away.

And though I've made a deliberate effort to avoid specifically Mormon activities, I wasn't put off by attending this event at a Mormon church since this wasn't a church event. Though you wouldn't have known once you walked in the door.

I read the other day that adding just one twelve-ounce beer to your daily diet with no other changes to caloric intake or exercise will net an extra fifteen pounds of weight gain per year.

I guess I'm going to have to mix in some sit-ups now and then. Or maybe a squat thrust here and there.

You know that thing they say about asparagus? I bear you this witness that I know these things are true.

In the Count of Monte Cristo, Ah man.

"Those Girl Scout Cookies are so good. I ate all of them and now I have diarrhea."

"Maybe you should send them a letter so they can put that on the box next year."

Do you realize how much water I'll now have to drink just to get the required levels of caffeine I used to get from Diet Dr. Pepper?

"What are you doing?"

"Looking for something to make myself for dinner."

"Is there something wrong with the dinner I made?"