Fiddley Gomme

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Topics

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Health and Medicine

  • Tuesday, April 3, 2007
    13 Comments - 7 years 21 weeks ago

    I read the other day that adding just one twelve-ounce beer to your daily diet with no other changes to caloric intake or exercise will net an extra fifteen pounds of weight gain per year.

    I guess I'm going to have to mix in some sit-ups now and then. Or maybe a squat thrust here and there.


    ...read the rest...
  • Thursday, March 15, 2007
    4 Comments - 7 years 24 weeks ago

    Is it just me or do you miss the good ol' days when you could get kids and doctors to sell your cigarettes for you?

    You've come a long way, baby.

  • Monday, March 5, 2007
    8 Comments - 7 years 25 weeks ago

    Ladies, for your convenience, I have put together this handy chart. The index is useful whether deciding what to wear to aerobics or for a weekend bike ride. Conceivably it could be applied to other fashions as well (ie, bikinis, miniskirts, knit leggings, etc) but has been specifically tuned for spandex use.

    Religion never gave me anything this useful.
    Religion never gave me anything this useful.


    ...read the rest...
  • Friday, March 2, 2007
    8 Comments - 7 years 26 weeks ago

    There's a volcano on my nose. Not a pokey-outie kind like Mount Vesuvius or Mount St. Helens. No. Mine is like the one that lives underneath Yellowstone that threatens to devour the entire center of North America.

    Yesterday, there was some seismic activity. Several fissures appeared in the crust of the earth near, but not exactly on the epicenter. These tremors make me look like I lost a hockey fight.

    Except no one would ever believe that I was playing hockey. Unless you know Stephen Hawking or Paul Reubens, I am the least athletic person you know.


    ...read the rest...
  • Wednesday, December 20, 2006
    10 Comments - 7 years 7 weeks ago

    Have you ever wanted to see me vomit? No, seriously. There's an easy way. Feed me peas.

    I can't figure out if this is some kind of odd allergy or simply a mental thing but peas are, without a doubt, the worst food on the planet.

    I have an early memory of peas and throwing up. My brother and I were attending the Adventureland Daycare and Pre-School. The walls of which I spent a fair amount of time licking while I stood with my nose in the corner.


    ...read the rest...
  • Monday, December 18, 2006
    3 Comments - 7 years 36 weeks ago

    I'm not above telling you. I like public restrooms. I'm not weirded out by sitting on a public seat and I don't have any trouble touching the handle. Oh, sure, I wash my hands right after and I don't have any interest in sitting in anyone else's filth but really, for the most part, I find the bathroom to be a safe place.

    I say that because, at one point, I had a bad habit of passing out in new or stressful places. It started out as just doctors' offices and dentists but eventually I was passing out at amusement parks, clients' offices, ski lifts and other much less convenient places. After a while I found that I felt a little better if I took a moment to catch my breath and gather my wits before submerging myself in the new environment.

    Now, as a habit, when visiting a client or taking the kids to the emergency room, I will excuse myself to the restroom. During my trip, I plan my escape route. If I know where the bathroom is, I always have a safe place to go in case the room starts to get dark and spinny.


    ...read the rest...
  • Wednesday, December 13, 2006
    9 Comments - 7 years 37 weeks ago

    Scientifically proven.
    Scientifically proven.
    It is statistically proven by several reliable scientific studies that once you have children you spend roughly 67% of your time cleaning up vomit. Once you have more than one, that increases by 9% per child.

    Truly, the only thing worse than cleaning up vomit is doing it in the middle of the night.


    ...read the rest...
  • Tuesday, November 14, 2006

    Todd had been tired all week. His normally refreshing walk home from work had been leaving him exhausted lately. He was sure he was getting the flu. After a nap on the couch that afternoon he asked his brother to give him a lift to the store from some cold medicine.

    Somewhere between the car and the pharmacy Todd stopped breathing. Todd's esophagus had become completely blocked by a tumor that had been growing for quite some time now. Emergency workers managed to get him intubated and rushed him to the hospital. Doctors would soon learn that, in addition to this nearly-always-fatal cancer, Todd had leukemia. Two for the price of one. Lucky.

    Sometime before his first of several big operations, my brother Geoffrey and I visited Todd. The room was dark and Todd had machines to breathe, eat, and even circulate blood for him. We stayed for a few minutes and gave our best wishes but, really, the situation was pretty grave and Todd was totally unable to speak.


    ...read the rest...
  • Thursday, October 19, 2006

    A few guys from work run and bike together regularly. Yesterday one of them invited me to go with them on tonight's run along the Bonneville Shoreline Trail.

    "Sure", I said, "but don't expect me to keep up."

    "Hey, we're just out to have fun."


    ...read the rest...
  • Tuesday, September 26, 2006

    First Sally Field, now you, Cheryl Ladd? I can only handle so much of this.

    Add Cheryl to the parade of diminutive hotties on the campaign to sex-up the geriatric health market. When I saw the ad for knowmenopause.com last night, I was instantly and oddly sold on whatever it is she was selling.

    "At 46, blah blah blah blah on my mind. I felt young, healthy and vibrant. When I began experiencing unfamiliar blah blah, including blah blah mood blah blah and skin blah blah blah, it never occurred to me that I might be entering blah blah blah blah."


    ...read the rest...
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