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Calling all [HBO] Angels! We hear that at a recent performance the mostly gay audience gave a standing ovation while they also drooled over Brendan Fraser, who was taking in the play. Of course, potential presidential challenger Democrat Howard Dean made himself a flamenco applause recipient for those ill-informed comments about courting Confederate Flag lovers. Call us, Maer! The problem?

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The subject who is truly loyal to the Chief Magistrate will neither advise nor submit to arbitrary measures. Okay, I'll admit it. I'm a freak. And not any kind of freak, but a candy freak: who 1. Part reportage, part barroom confessional, Candyfreak is the deliciously heartbreaking odyssey of one man who travels across the good ol' U.

Almond's path is a paradoxical one, and the reasons for his journey are nothing less than Homeric. Overcome by "a gradual aspect of grayness" and the oncoming winter, Almond allows himself to hope, as he did in childhood, "that the pleasures of candy would help me beat a path from my despair. Desperate, intrepid and overcome with an unbridled lust for chocolate, Almond begins by explaining the psychological origins of his oral fixation.

First, the thumb-sucking. Then, his name. Then, where he grew up which, eerily enough, does sound like a chocolate bar : Wilkie Way. Then, his birthday, Oct. But of all these reasons, Almond willingly admits, he formed an emotional bond to candy because he "was a needy kid, and terribly lonely, and candy kept me company. Almond is candid with all aspects of his life and lust for candy, and his writing is characterized by the same zealous nature of personal confession.

He relentlessly criticizes himself and his identity as a Jewish American while he travels coast-to-coast; Candyfreak is an intimate portrait of the tortured inner conflicts of the human soul: his fears, his inhibitions, his loves, his hates and everything else political. Sensuous and self-deprecating, Almond flip-flops between his lustful jouissance for candy and his manic patriotic furor.

While blaming himself for not voting, for having "flounced on my candyland adventure without even bothering to consider my civic duty," Almond denounces himself, admitting: "I deserved the damage that Dubya was no doubt going to inflict on our country's already limited capacity for mercy. Make no mistake, this is a funny book. A charming, sexy book. A book that is nuts-o-choc-full of rapturous, delectable, oh-I-want-you prose: so laden with so many lustful, scintillating descriptions of enrobers that it made me want to run out to the nearest convenience store and buy a small trunk load of chocolate bars.

For you non-candy freaks, "enrobers" is candy porn for those machines that coat chocolate bars with chocolate. Highlights include Almond's Mecca-like pilgrimages to visit other candy freaks: Steve Traino, internet candy mastermind; Ray Luthar Broekel, "legend among the confectioniscienti"; and Dave Bolton, chocolate engineer of Lake Champlain Chocolates, among many others.

Then there are his visits to the factories. Detailing every aspect of candy production, Almond is as happy as Charlie Bucket holding his golden ticket; transfixed before the assembly line, all hot and bothered by the candy-making machines.

For someone who readily admits that his sexual fantasies always involve naked women and chocolate bars, and who believes that people who say they don't like sweets are "total duds in bed," Steve Almond proves in Candyfreak that he is the undisputed King of Freak.

Let us bow before him, all ye united candy freaks of the world! Christine Walde ate obscene amounts of chocolate while writing this. Her novel The Candy Darlings will be published next year. This is a space where subscribers can engage with each other and Globe staff. Non-subscribers can read and sort comments but will not be able to engage with them in any way.

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